How I Got Here

Midlife.  That's where I am. Or close to it anyway.  My Grandmother is 92 and her mother was 91 when she died so I suppose with a little luck maybe I not quite there yet but I'm close.  And when we discuss my vices later you'll probably decide I'm closer than I want to admit!  The connotations that go with midlife can be unpleasant, but as "40 is the new 30" it becomes less unappealing. . . well atleast in the media.  But then there is real life. MY real life. I look at my back and see all my mistakes and how I got from there to here is at the very least no mystery! I played. I had fun. I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it without much regard to the consequences.  So again. . . midlife, do I consider mine bad?  I can say that I have not accomplished as much as most people probably thought I would, but I'm not sure I know what I ever expected to accomplish. I do have 2 amazing children that will forever make my life worth living, even if somedays I truly want to go hang them upside down by their toenails in the backyard!  My mother says her 40s were better than her 30s, 50s better than 40s, and so on.  Can I hold her responsible if my life isn't the same?  Well, probably not.  So I guess I am going to have to embrace this midlife thing and move forward.

Overweight.  Luckily for me at this dreaded midlife point this is not new.  I think I've been officially here since I was about 7.  Of course what was overweight when I was in high school is now perfectly normal and I'd be more than thrilled to be that size again! But I'm not.  And most days you know what? I like me! Crazy right? I don't spend all day everyday wishing I looked like someone else.  I have my moments in the mirror, like all woman and girls, thinking about what I'd like to look better but still?  I even think I'm pretty.  Again, crazy right?  However here is the ugly catch.  I do want to live long and watch my kids and even their kids grow up.  Therefore the healthiness incorporated in my present body shape may be suspect.  So in this journey I am beginning to reinvent myself I cannot ignore this issue.  Pizza and beer can no longer be my best friends (sob... I will miss them however I'm sure they will visit).

Single again, at midlife. This one is tricky.  And scary.  And scarier still that I'm not upset about losing my husband.  Just about being without a safety net.  I do not like this about myself. I don't like that I got to that point with him nor that my feelings about it all are superficial.  And about me.  I have a cold side, this is part of it.  I don't really like it, but it is my shield.  THIS will be what I have to work on.  THIS will be the no fun part of midlife.  I can't even make talking about it the least bit funny.  So let's move on!

Happy.  My guidance counselor in elementary school was named Happy.  Can you imagine having to live up to that name?  I think Beavis and Butthead were more nicely named.  I mean who expects something from them?  Nobody, right?  But Happy has an attitude to live up to. 
My present question in life is where does my happiness come from?  Media, religion, career, social status, they all create ideas in our head of what happiness should be but do they really have anything to do with what happiness is? While me mind tells me that they shouldn't, I know they do for me.  This is yet another thing to work at and change.  Finding happiness from within instead of the outside world is my destination in this journey.  While most days I feel happy I don't think I possess complete happiness.  I have to find where it should come from.

So here is the first post in my blog.  As simple explanation of what or why I'm writing.  I hope to work at many things in life and journal them here.  Who knows if anyone will follow it, but if they do I should warn to expect it all to be rather random.  And if no one follows it will atleast be an exercise in bettering my writing skills as well as a way to entertain my own thoughts. And when I decide I've written all I can and there is no need for this anymore, I hope that motivationally challenged will be a thing of the past.  Possibly, however my expectations are lower, overweight will no longer be as much of a necessary title, and 40 and Happy will be the name of my next blog!