I hear this word in my head, but it sounds like the vampire in that old Bugs Bunny cartoon. Remember how he says "HOCUS POCUS" and turns from a bat to a vampire, and then Bugs says "Abacadabra" (and yes I know I'm missing the r, but that's how he said it) and the vampire turns back to what he was formerly and gets hurt? Okay, well if you don't remember it then I'm just rambling, but if you do you can understand the thundering voice that is pushing me to do something, but with very little success. I don't understand the human brain I will admit that, I don't understand humans so much for that matter but this is not my point at the moment. It just seems to me, however, that the organ that is supposed to keep you functioning tends to make you dysfunctional just as often.
When things go wrong I tend to shut down. I suppose it's that "fight or flight" instinct. So my question is how do I switch from flight to fight? How do I retrain my brain? I know now that the small bit of unpleasantness is over why it happened and why I shouldn't have let it get to me. I know that I should be in control of my emotions. I also know that people don't make me feel a certain way, I take what they say or do and spin it into how I make myself feel about it. So if I know all this why can't I know it BEFORE the melt down and stop it?? YES I do have a brain so isn't this how it's supposed to work?
And then there is the recovery period which is where the focus part comes in. I can focus during the meltdown, it's just what I'm focusing on that is the problem. Then I come back to my warped sense of normal and it takes even more time to get back to able to think. I realize my thoughts aren't life changing, but I do still need them to function. The Dalai Lama says "I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe." Judge the universe? Hmmm... how do I interpret that? Are my expectations the issue? Is having an expectation of something you can not control the same as judging. You will judge and be disappointed when the expectation is not met, right? You know I think that is it. It's not about how to handle the meltdown or breakdown it's how to avoid it. Knowing what I can control and what I can't may very well be a large path to follow in this journey. If you had asked me a year ago what I could control I would have told you everything. Ask me today I might tell you nothing. But I know there is a balance between the two.
"I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe." Worth repeating. Searching yourself in dark times for what will bring you out of it, and using the bright times to accomplish what you have learned. A simple lesson really. And by not judging the universe I suppose there is a sense of taking the times as they happen and accepting them. We all search to find blame for all our misfortunes. Sometimes bad days are just bad days I suppose and trying to replace flight with fight isn't really the right answer at all. Acceptance and appreciation of the lesson may be the best path.
I will try to keep this my goal. Accept and move forward. And I will not blame or judge the universe, however I may blame my hormones on the most random of occasions.