The older I get the more I believe that we, as adults, so often run solely on fear, anxiety, and guilt. By the time we are grown the list of things that are appropriate and inappropriate are stamped on the very forefront of our thought processes and we react with those in mind instead of stopping to take into account our own actual beliefs and feelings.
Well... maybe I should only speak for myself. Maybe the rest of society is happy-go-lucky and feels completely free to behave however it wants as I struggle alone with this concern of how my own behavior affects others or is judged by the world or by a higher being. Yeah... no way.
It's seems to me that it's human nature to want to be good. Obviously that doesn't apply to the entire population but please allow me to speak in generalizations at this point, keeping within the circle of average people. In other words we can collectively agree that I'm not talking about Jeffrey Dahmer or Charles Manson and company in my basic view of how society thinks.
So as I said, I think we all begin wanting to be good. And we learn good behaviors and practices beginning in preschool. Sharing, do unto others. We all know the golden rule and probably most of us think it's the kinder and better way to live. Yet somewhere this idea of learning to be a good person transforms into living up to other peoples beliefs and standards. It happens somewhere in our late teens and early twenties when our relationship with our parents goes from "my house, my rules" to "I want you to be happy and successful, now let me tell you what I think that means and what steps you should take to accomplish it". Of course they mean well. They're our parents and they love us. They want a better life for us. But there in lies basic problem number one. What's better and who gets to decide?
Now, let's not leave out the church. And I won't pick a specific one, deep down they are all very much the same. Regardless of whether I'm catholic and it's okay to have that glass of wine in public at dinner or I'm Southern Baptist and while I can't drink or dance, if I'm male and over 45 I can still smoke on the front steps of the sanctuary, deep down it's all the same: "Here is how you should behave and handle things, and if you can't it's okay as long as you come to us to help you fix what's wrong with you."
And even with religion I will say I think most ideologies have their hearts in the right place. But here is the point of this ramble. The rules have been set and written down and we don't often question if we actually agree. Instead we worry about what each separate entity will think if they find out we bent the rules. And it truly goes way beyond parents and church. For me it does. I'm conditioned to be concerned about what every person I know or even casually meet will think of my behavior and choices. I spend half my life scared to make decisions and the other half feeling as if I need to justify the ones I've made. And don't read this to think I'm miserable. I am beginning to believe we are all so conditioned to think this way, that it rarely occurs to us that it's unpleasant.
But then one day it does. And you realize your insides are all tied up because you cannot decide if it's more important to live the life you want to live or to live the life you are expected to. So then you question that out loud and know that you have to choose the life you want if you have any self respect at all, but you know this is bound to cause a wake that may actually wash people in your life away or change the light in which others see you.
And here, again it comes... fear, anxiety, guilt. I suppose I see them as forces to be reckoned with and overcome.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
You'll notice the slight name change. Yes the big day came and went. And I didn't fall apart.
Nothing fell off or out (which would have definitely been worse, and it CAN happen... I've heard some frightening tales!). I survived with all my imperfections and insecurities intact!
I've spent the last 8 months or so talking about me. It's been wonderful therapy some of the time.
I've been one who could laugh at myself for most of my life, and thank goodness when I came close to forgetting how, I found my voice here and was able to laugh through this too. I'm not really sure how many people have listened to me ramble. It doesn't really matter. I listened to myself. I picked myself up,with a little help some days, and I kept moving forward. But I feel as if I'm at an end to this section of my journey. I'm different than I was last year. I'm different than I was last week. I'm ready to be at a new beginning I think.
"Every new beginning comes from some beginning's end." ~ Seneca
Yes! That's it. That's where I am! I'm ready to put an end to the last beginning and begin the new beginning. The last beginning wasn't mine to begin. Someone started it for me. I was pushed out in the street, right in front of the traffic, and someone said "OK, now run!".
So that's what I did, and I did ok. I fell, got bruised, got lost, but I kept running. Now I'm ready to begin at my own pace, in my own direction. Ready to run because I want to, not because someone pushed me. And ready to not run, for that matter. To stop and "smell the flowers" as cliche as that is. To start in one direction and decide that's far enough and turn to a new one. That's the difference in running because you want to and running because you're being chased.
I've said all of that just to say this, I want to keep writing but I need to find a new path. I want to talk about life in general more and my life less. So while I truly have no plan for what happens next, I felt like I had to begin, if only by announcing my desire to change. This time instead of seeing where life leads me, I will take the leash of my life and pull it forward into this different direction.
"Nothing is predestined. The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings." ~Ralph Blum
"Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect."
~Alan Cohen
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I had a full blow meltdown yesterday. Actually, maybe a deflate is a better description because it started Sunday afternoon and I just slowly got lower and lower and lower. So yes... we'll go with deflate. Of course at my age my hormones seem to have taken on a life and nervous system of their own, therefore I never know if I will take an unpleasant moment in stride and keep on moving and smiling or if I will melt down like a three year old in Baskin Robbins who's sugar cone just hit the floor. And as I think about my behavior yesterday I also have to consider the fact that at 39 years old I'm already at the early stage of menopause, I have 2 elementary age kids, and my husband left me with those kids, 2 dogs, a falling in house and moved far enough away so he's never around to help with much of anything. So I honestly believe I should get credit for not setting things (or people for that matter) on fire most days, but other people seem to think I need to try to be pleasant and think positively so here I am to write it all down and put it in perspective so I can move on. Of course I've probably alienated any male readers I might have had with all this talk of hormones and anything female. My guess is they are either completely disgusted OR shaking their heads dismissively at the idea that this can be a real reason for bad behavior. Oh well, what do men know anyway?!
Okay, enough of that. I'm really not a bitter, man hating, fire starting psychopath who wants to be left alone with her bad mood. A raging hormone some days? Well yes, I am that, but I still want to address my issues. So here we go... my girls are trying to learn to ride their bikes and with help are becoming successful. Unfortunately I can't help them. I'm not strong enough to hold them up. I do have friends that will help when they are around, but it's just taking longer than I would like and my kids aren't happy about it at all. And I feel like it's my fault... "aye there's the rub". I feel like it's all my fault. Every bit of it. I chose to get married, I chose who I married, I chose to have kids and now that my marriage hasn't worked out my kids don't have everything they need all the time and it's all my fault. I said it. I'll say it again. It's all my fault. NO, I feel like it's all my fault. I really know its not. And I also really don't want my husband back. I wasn't happier and really can't imagine that any amount of work could make us happier now. But when things go wrong and my little girls need something I feel like this stupid mess is going to ruin their lives and it's all my fault. That's how I feel. I wish I could make my heart and my brain come together and create some sense of reality between the two of them. I know that in lots of ways I've accomplished more in the last six months that I have in the last 10 years. I know that my daughters are seeing a better version of me now most days than they were before and will become better adults because of it. I know I know I know. I feel I feel I feel. Why is it that feel always wins? And truly I'm a HUGE advocate of saying how you feel and saying it out loud. I am! I think we should always say what we feel without fear. It's very hard to learn but very important to know that our feelings are just that, our feelings. They are not someone else's reaction to them.
Don't be afraid to say I love you, just because someone doesn't say it back doesn't mean you don't feel it. Giving love is actually so much more fulfilling than receiving it. Say it often and to as many people as you can. When you are a toddler you are prompted to tell everyone you love them and blow them kisses, then suddenly at a certain age it becomes tabu and there are strings attached. Love does not have strings.
When something makes you sad say it! Sometimes that's just the release you need to let the sadness out. Sadness is not depression, it isn't permanent. And the inability to constantly smile and pretend the world is your oyster does not make you negative. It makes you human.
Scream when you are angry and if you are angry with someone specific...scream at them. OK, maybe just tell them but get it out in the open. Anger festers and leaves deep scars.
So you see I'm great with the idea of expressing how you feel. It's the actually feeling it I have a really hard time with. I suppose it falls in line with everything else I written about myself in the last 8 months. I don't just feel. I feel and then I tend to spiral, especially if its feeling down. Here I am with my extremes again. And there I certainly was yesterday.
I know this has been a bit of a ramble, but I think I just needed to get it out. Luckily for me I do bounce back and generally quickly. But it seems to me that this is the one thing that does push my meltdowns farther apart. Acknowledging my craziness seems to be what keeps me sane!
Okay, enough of that. I'm really not a bitter, man hating, fire starting psychopath who wants to be left alone with her bad mood. A raging hormone some days? Well yes, I am that, but I still want to address my issues. So here we go... my girls are trying to learn to ride their bikes and with help are becoming successful. Unfortunately I can't help them. I'm not strong enough to hold them up. I do have friends that will help when they are around, but it's just taking longer than I would like and my kids aren't happy about it at all. And I feel like it's my fault... "aye there's the rub". I feel like it's all my fault. Every bit of it. I chose to get married, I chose who I married, I chose to have kids and now that my marriage hasn't worked out my kids don't have everything they need all the time and it's all my fault. I said it. I'll say it again. It's all my fault. NO, I feel like it's all my fault. I really know its not. And I also really don't want my husband back. I wasn't happier and really can't imagine that any amount of work could make us happier now. But when things go wrong and my little girls need something I feel like this stupid mess is going to ruin their lives and it's all my fault. That's how I feel. I wish I could make my heart and my brain come together and create some sense of reality between the two of them. I know that in lots of ways I've accomplished more in the last six months that I have in the last 10 years. I know that my daughters are seeing a better version of me now most days than they were before and will become better adults because of it. I know I know I know. I feel I feel I feel. Why is it that feel always wins? And truly I'm a HUGE advocate of saying how you feel and saying it out loud. I am! I think we should always say what we feel without fear. It's very hard to learn but very important to know that our feelings are just that, our feelings. They are not someone else's reaction to them.
Don't be afraid to say I love you, just because someone doesn't say it back doesn't mean you don't feel it. Giving love is actually so much more fulfilling than receiving it. Say it often and to as many people as you can. When you are a toddler you are prompted to tell everyone you love them and blow them kisses, then suddenly at a certain age it becomes tabu and there are strings attached. Love does not have strings.
When something makes you sad say it! Sometimes that's just the release you need to let the sadness out. Sadness is not depression, it isn't permanent. And the inability to constantly smile and pretend the world is your oyster does not make you negative. It makes you human.
Scream when you are angry and if you are angry with someone specific...scream at them. OK, maybe just tell them but get it out in the open. Anger festers and leaves deep scars.
So you see I'm great with the idea of expressing how you feel. It's the actually feeling it I have a really hard time with. I suppose it falls in line with everything else I written about myself in the last 8 months. I don't just feel. I feel and then I tend to spiral, especially if its feeling down. Here I am with my extremes again. And there I certainly was yesterday.
I know this has been a bit of a ramble, but I think I just needed to get it out. Luckily for me I do bounce back and generally quickly. But it seems to me that this is the one thing that does push my meltdowns farther apart. Acknowledging my craziness seems to be what keeps me sane!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Happiness
Some days I feel like my life has changed a lot since I began this blog and others I don't feel like it has changed at all. Or maybe more exactly I know my life has changed but I don't always feel that I have progressed. While "Almost 40" is getting dangerously closer to just 40, "overweight" seems to be a battle that I will always fight. "Single" has it's good and bad days but I would say good usually takes the lead on that one for now. But "happy"... this is somewhere I said I was yet I'm always searching for what it means as if I can find something better. I read an article this week that maybe gives me some insight on what's stumping this progression.
*"Our culture has come to define happiness as an experience that blows your mind. It's as though we're somehow falling short if we don't routinely feel the way Times Square looks - madly pulsing with a billion watts of Wow!"
This is me. I've always lived in the highs and lows. And to be honest I've thought myself quietly manic often, but to avoid funny shaped jackets I couldn't get out of and less than fun bouncy house like rooms I've never told anyone. And the problem with the manic state is that when you get too high, you always fall.
I always search for the excitement: the first kiss, the most fun night out, the greatest game. Excitement that makes my heart pump makes me feel like I'm happy. Yet there is always the let down. You can only have one first kiss with someone. There is always a point after that great game when your team will lose. And truthfully while I search for the excitement I think I anticipate the fall just as often. So there in my anxiety I sit... waiting. Waiting for the really great or waiting for the really bad.
*A Pueblo Indian chief once told Carl Jung "the whites always want something; they are always uneasy and restless. We don't know what they want. We don't understand them. We think they are all mad."
I don't think we know either, we just think we are supposed to want something all the time. Well and let's move forward a few years... I don'to think it's a "white" problem, but possibly an American problem. And yes, I find myself crazy too.
I'm sure you can imagine what the advice in the article was:
"Live in the moment"
"Be here now"
And I don't disagree with that at all. It is how we all should think and live. Her suggestion to help better find your way to this was to get busy. Do things. Make things. Occupy your mind with calm happiness by occupying your hands. Here I tend to have a problem, who has time to solve their anxiety as well as live in the perpetual moment by doing new arts and crafts? I find often that people who write about making life better have all the time in the world to do so.
But I will say this about living in the moment. I can learn to remind myself that just because a kiss isn't the first, doesn't mean it's not just as wonderful for that person to want to kiss me again. And when they no longer want to, I'll being happy in my memory as well as my ability to move on, that should be my calm happiness. Keeping up with the highs and lows of the football season, not the big game, this is what shall remind me that life, as one of my friends so often reminds me, is a marathon not a sprint.
I think what I heard was to breathe, look around, enjoy the quiet just as much as the fury. Even more. And maybe when looking for my highs, I should measure how far I'm going to fall before the climb.
*from an article by Martha Beck in Feb. 2012 Oprah Magazine
*"Our culture has come to define happiness as an experience that blows your mind. It's as though we're somehow falling short if we don't routinely feel the way Times Square looks - madly pulsing with a billion watts of Wow!"
This is me. I've always lived in the highs and lows. And to be honest I've thought myself quietly manic often, but to avoid funny shaped jackets I couldn't get out of and less than fun bouncy house like rooms I've never told anyone. And the problem with the manic state is that when you get too high, you always fall.
I always search for the excitement: the first kiss, the most fun night out, the greatest game. Excitement that makes my heart pump makes me feel like I'm happy. Yet there is always the let down. You can only have one first kiss with someone. There is always a point after that great game when your team will lose. And truthfully while I search for the excitement I think I anticipate the fall just as often. So there in my anxiety I sit... waiting. Waiting for the really great or waiting for the really bad.
*A Pueblo Indian chief once told Carl Jung "the whites always want something; they are always uneasy and restless. We don't know what they want. We don't understand them. We think they are all mad."
I don't think we know either, we just think we are supposed to want something all the time. Well and let's move forward a few years... I don'to think it's a "white" problem, but possibly an American problem. And yes, I find myself crazy too.
I'm sure you can imagine what the advice in the article was:
"Live in the moment"
"Be here now"
And I don't disagree with that at all. It is how we all should think and live. Her suggestion to help better find your way to this was to get busy. Do things. Make things. Occupy your mind with calm happiness by occupying your hands. Here I tend to have a problem, who has time to solve their anxiety as well as live in the perpetual moment by doing new arts and crafts? I find often that people who write about making life better have all the time in the world to do so.
But I will say this about living in the moment. I can learn to remind myself that just because a kiss isn't the first, doesn't mean it's not just as wonderful for that person to want to kiss me again. And when they no longer want to, I'll being happy in my memory as well as my ability to move on, that should be my calm happiness. Keeping up with the highs and lows of the football season, not the big game, this is what shall remind me that life, as one of my friends so often reminds me, is a marathon not a sprint.
I think what I heard was to breathe, look around, enjoy the quiet just as much as the fury. Even more. And maybe when looking for my highs, I should measure how far I'm going to fall before the climb.
*from an article by Martha Beck in Feb. 2012 Oprah Magazine
Monday, February 13, 2012
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day... I think I'll wrap myself up in a big red bow and shove myself into my mailbox. If I'm going to belong to anyone this year it is going to be me.
But who came up with this terrible idea anyway? I guess I should check into that before I talk it down, give me a minute...
According to Wikipedia Saint Valentine's Day was originally a day to honor martyred Christians. Really? So how did it get turned into a day of red hearts, balloons, candy, and a general bad feeling about ourselves? In fact: St. Valentine's head was actually preserved and kept at the abby of New Minster in Winchester to be honored. Am I missing the connection? Blood and Guts and Big Red Heart shaped boxes of chocolate?
Now I'm sure you are going to read this, and if you've read anything else I've written it will be easy to decide that I'm bitter about being single so I am completely dismissing Valentine's day as an evil holiday because the only card I will get is from my mother. Please follow my train of thought before you make your decision. Yes I will admit, if someone brought me roses or diamonds on February 14th year after year I would look forward to that day. As I would on March 14th or April 14th or May 14th. You get the point, right? But who decided that there should be just this one day where out loud and in public people should profess their undying love to you in a grandiose and expensive manner starting in about the 4th grade? And if it didn't happen to you then, you were crushed! They should rename it the "St. Self Esteem Crusher for all not so perfect little girls" day. Or how about, "I really liked you until I realized you couldn't buy me something cool now I'm gonna tell all the girls you're a loser" day. Or last but not least, "We were having fun, but I don't want to get you anything so I'm going to break up with you and then call you with regret in mid March" day. It just seems to me that if you love someone, you should show it when you feel it, not when everyone is watching to see how well you show it and how big or shiny it is.
And back to the history of it all. Apparently the Valentines were martyrs for Christianity, killed for their faith by the Roman pagan rulers. And in years to come Chaucer and Shakespeare used St. Valentine's day as a special day of love for their writing. Well at least I think that's what happened, but honestly I couldn't tell you what Chaucer was trying to say, the only reason I was able to get Valentine's out of it was because of the capital letter V. Who reads that gibberish? But I guess my lack of respect for English Literature isn't really the point here. The point is these guys were the precursors to the Hallmark family. They made it up. It means nothing. Like National Doctor's day, March 30th. What?? Do you send your doctor a gift? Flowers? How about a card that says "I'm glad my daughter's tonsillectomy was just enough to buy you that new Mercedes. When we were done paying the bill, we couldn't afford the ice cream we promised her".
I'm not saying I'm against holidays, but they should be real. And if they aren't they should be like National Fried Chicken day, something that almost anyone has the off chance of being able to enjoy. Not something that is bound to at one point in your life or another make you sit alone in a dark room with a gallon of ice cream wondering why you didn't get those flowers from that secret admirer that you know exists somewhere in commercial, flower candy, and jewelry ridden fantasy land!
But who came up with this terrible idea anyway? I guess I should check into that before I talk it down, give me a minute...
According to Wikipedia Saint Valentine's Day was originally a day to honor martyred Christians. Really? So how did it get turned into a day of red hearts, balloons, candy, and a general bad feeling about ourselves? In fact: St. Valentine's head was actually preserved and kept at the abby of New Minster in Winchester to be honored. Am I missing the connection? Blood and Guts and Big Red Heart shaped boxes of chocolate?
Now I'm sure you are going to read this, and if you've read anything else I've written it will be easy to decide that I'm bitter about being single so I am completely dismissing Valentine's day as an evil holiday because the only card I will get is from my mother. Please follow my train of thought before you make your decision. Yes I will admit, if someone brought me roses or diamonds on February 14th year after year I would look forward to that day. As I would on March 14th or April 14th or May 14th. You get the point, right? But who decided that there should be just this one day where out loud and in public people should profess their undying love to you in a grandiose and expensive manner starting in about the 4th grade? And if it didn't happen to you then, you were crushed! They should rename it the "St. Self Esteem Crusher for all not so perfect little girls" day. Or how about, "I really liked you until I realized you couldn't buy me something cool now I'm gonna tell all the girls you're a loser" day. Or last but not least, "We were having fun, but I don't want to get you anything so I'm going to break up with you and then call you with regret in mid March" day. It just seems to me that if you love someone, you should show it when you feel it, not when everyone is watching to see how well you show it and how big or shiny it is.
And back to the history of it all. Apparently the Valentines were martyrs for Christianity, killed for their faith by the Roman pagan rulers. And in years to come Chaucer and Shakespeare used St. Valentine's day as a special day of love for their writing. Well at least I think that's what happened, but honestly I couldn't tell you what Chaucer was trying to say, the only reason I was able to get Valentine's out of it was because of the capital letter V. Who reads that gibberish? But I guess my lack of respect for English Literature isn't really the point here. The point is these guys were the precursors to the Hallmark family. They made it up. It means nothing. Like National Doctor's day, March 30th. What?? Do you send your doctor a gift? Flowers? How about a card that says "I'm glad my daughter's tonsillectomy was just enough to buy you that new Mercedes. When we were done paying the bill, we couldn't afford the ice cream we promised her".
I'm not saying I'm against holidays, but they should be real. And if they aren't they should be like National Fried Chicken day, something that almost anyone has the off chance of being able to enjoy. Not something that is bound to at one point in your life or another make you sit alone in a dark room with a gallon of ice cream wondering why you didn't get those flowers from that secret admirer that you know exists somewhere in commercial, flower candy, and jewelry ridden fantasy land!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Humanity ~
I read an interview today with a man that spent time with Dr. King. His name was Grady Butler and he said, "King's impact transcended race...
Humanity was his concern. He just happened to be an African-American. He just wanted to serve humanity and help somebody, and I think that was his legacy."
I copy these quotes because it is true. Our own need for kindness, to give or receive, means very little if we do not concern ourselves with the need of a much greater kindness in the world today. Dr. King understood this at a level that most of us do not.
In his day he was fighting a battle of black and white so it seemed, but what he had to say transcends to a much larger picture now. If we do not quickly change our thoughts from government and finance to kindness and humanity we will fall, just as the Greeks and Romans did. We must look outward. Our ideas of the Christian nation are only valid if we live to love our Muslim brothers. Our desire to keep our nation free is only just if we allow those that want to join our nation to be free when they arrive. The forefathers of this nation came here for religious freedom yet we have never truly respected that "freedom". We came to the America's to be free yet we took our nation from its existing inhabitants, and brought slaves to help us build the country into the "Land of the Free". And now we make our President spend the first 2 years of his presidency proving he is an American citizen because he doesn't come in a light skinned package. Companies add to their millions by sponsoring reality shows like "Teenage Moms","Mob Wives", "Housewives of Beverly Hills", and "Jersey Shore" but they pull out of "Muslim Nation". I know which group of people I want as neighbors, and if you and I disagree I don't want you as a neighbor either. I mean really, if you choose Snooky over a family that loves each other, contributes to society, and takes care of themselves just because they are Muslim, I truly have no use for you.
"Common sense is the genius of humanity."
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I have worked on kindness in my own life. I have allowed people in that I would not have chosen, I have continued to love a family that I can no longer call mine. I have put my own pain aside so that my children will feel and see love. I see kindness in those around me. My mother has never taken more than she gives and never asks for anything. I have friends that do things for others that can make me smile and feel warmth just by knowing how they have spent their day. But our work toward humanity needs to be so much more.
the quality of being humane; kindness; benevolence.
I've thought so much about kindness over the last year and what it means to me, but a bigger question is what does it mean to the world.
I think of this today, on Martin Luther King, Jr. day.
Humanity was his concern. He just happened to be an African-American. He just wanted to serve humanity and help somebody, and I think that was his legacy."
I copy these quotes because it is true. Our own need for kindness, to give or receive, means very little if we do not concern ourselves with the need of a much greater kindness in the world today. Dr. King understood this at a level that most of us do not.
In his day he was fighting a battle of black and white so it seemed, but what he had to say transcends to a much larger picture now. If we do not quickly change our thoughts from government and finance to kindness and humanity we will fall, just as the Greeks and Romans did. We must look outward. Our ideas of the Christian nation are only valid if we live to love our Muslim brothers. Our desire to keep our nation free is only just if we allow those that want to join our nation to be free when they arrive. The forefathers of this nation came here for religious freedom yet we have never truly respected that "freedom". We came to the America's to be free yet we took our nation from its existing inhabitants, and brought slaves to help us build the country into the "Land of the Free". And now we make our President spend the first 2 years of his presidency proving he is an American citizen because he doesn't come in a light skinned package. Companies add to their millions by sponsoring reality shows like "Teenage Moms","Mob Wives", "Housewives of Beverly Hills", and "Jersey Shore" but they pull out of "Muslim Nation". I know which group of people I want as neighbors, and if you and I disagree I don't want you as a neighbor either. I mean really, if you choose Snooky over a family that loves each other, contributes to society, and takes care of themselves just because they are Muslim, I truly have no use for you.
"Common sense is the genius of humanity."
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I have worked on kindness in my own life. I have allowed people in that I would not have chosen, I have continued to love a family that I can no longer call mine. I have put my own pain aside so that my children will feel and see love. I see kindness in those around me. My mother has never taken more than she gives and never asks for anything. I have friends that do things for others that can make me smile and feel warmth just by knowing how they have spent their day. But our work toward humanity needs to be so much more.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
A Christmas Prayer
Dear God,
I thank You for the blessings in my life. I ask that You teach me to sing them to the mountain tops so that the grumbles of day to day circumstance may be drowned by its joyful ringing.
I pray for the gift of forgiveness and the ability to forgive so that my heart will rise up to meet each day and each person I meet with a love and kindness that sets afire the chill of anger and regret in its brilliant glow.
I thank You for the gift of my children. I pray that I will teach them to be wise and caring and kind. I pray they will understand that it is what you give in life that makes it full, not what you get. I ask that You give them the keys to their own souls, so that they own them and nourish them with no expectations or desire for someone else to be the force that fuels their dreams. Therefore may all of their relationships be kindred and true, never one sided.
I thank You for my mistakes and hardships. I pray that I will learn from them and use them for change, not dwell on them and use them as excuses.
I thank You for my tender heart, though easily scarred and broken. I pray that I never harden and forget how to feel. Please always remind me that more of my life scars are from a game played hard and well than from a fall or a break, therefore I can never be afraid to jump up and play the game again. If I quit not only will I lose, I will cease to exist.
I thank You for this time of year, for Your gift, for what it says to us all about love and sacrifice. I pray that I will take it out in the world with me and find ways to sacrifice for others. May my life be fueled by the love that I have to give, not that I expect to receive.
Amen
"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
~Melody Beattie
I thank You for the blessings in my life. I ask that You teach me to sing them to the mountain tops so that the grumbles of day to day circumstance may be drowned by its joyful ringing.
I pray for the gift of forgiveness and the ability to forgive so that my heart will rise up to meet each day and each person I meet with a love and kindness that sets afire the chill of anger and regret in its brilliant glow.
I thank You for the gift of my children. I pray that I will teach them to be wise and caring and kind. I pray they will understand that it is what you give in life that makes it full, not what you get. I ask that You give them the keys to their own souls, so that they own them and nourish them with no expectations or desire for someone else to be the force that fuels their dreams. Therefore may all of their relationships be kindred and true, never one sided.
I thank You for my mistakes and hardships. I pray that I will learn from them and use them for change, not dwell on them and use them as excuses.
I thank You for my tender heart, though easily scarred and broken. I pray that I never harden and forget how to feel. Please always remind me that more of my life scars are from a game played hard and well than from a fall or a break, therefore I can never be afraid to jump up and play the game again. If I quit not only will I lose, I will cease to exist.
I thank You for this time of year, for Your gift, for what it says to us all about love and sacrifice. I pray that I will take it out in the world with me and find ways to sacrifice for others. May my life be fueled by the love that I have to give, not that I expect to receive.
Amen
"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
~Melody Beattie
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
All I want for Christmas. . .
"Santa baby, I want a yacht and really that's not a lot."
You know the song, well at least if you listen to the radio anytime between Halloween and Christmas you do. And I hate the song, but I like the list. I mean, who wouldn't right? A diamond, some platinum, a convertible. You can have the fur, I'm not really into furs. Of course then you wake up and your Santa is NOT that guy!
Yet it raises the question, if I were going to ask Santa for my heart's desire what would that really be? Not cars and boats. No, not really. So what? If I stop to think like a responsible, kind, loving citizen of this earth then I'm supposed to ask for world peace and an end to hunger, right? And I want that, I do, but I'm thinking of me at this moment. If you find this selfish and not in the spirit of Christmas you can stop reading now, but this is a me moment.
The problem is I find it hard to make the list. Maybe because I do in fact find some things self indulgent.
I'd like to be financially comfortable enough not to worry anymore. I'd like to know that when the girls are 16 I'll be able to buy them cars. I want to take them to Disney World. So there I said it... if I could ask for WHATEVER I wanted, money would be on the list. Shoot me.
It's also difficult because some of it is so unrealistic I guess. I'd ask for more time. More time for fun things, more time for me, more time for the girls. Time for hobbies even. But then I'd have to ask for a hobby because I have NO idea how to come up with one of those. Trust me, I've tried. Which can lead to another wish. The ability to really look back at my life and figure myself out. To get to know me. Then maybe I would feel like I hadn't wasted so much time. Or if nothing else it would make stepping up and taking control of my life now a little easier. So insight into my own soul, hmmm is that too much to ask?
"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth."
– Benjamin Disraeli
I'll keep my list to four, but the last one is the hardest. The last one makes me feel like I appear weak. I want to be a strong independent woman, but how can I be needy at the same time? And I am needy. I need someone to understand me, to know me. I need someone to appreciate what I have to give in the only ways that I know how. I don't think Santa can deliver that. I don't know that I would know how to accept it if he did, but I would be willing to try.
This is my "Grown up Christmas List". I'd like to say it's simpler than the song, but to be honest I think the tangible things are easier even if grandiose. I will enjoy what I do get for Christmas and even more what I am allowed to give. I will watch my girls beam with excitement and know that I couldn't really want for much more than that. But in my heart I allow myself some personal desires. I have now shared them with you. I hope it will help someone else know that it's okay to want things too and even to say them out loud. Wanting and being disappointed about not receiving are very different things.
You know the song, well at least if you listen to the radio anytime between Halloween and Christmas you do. And I hate the song, but I like the list. I mean, who wouldn't right? A diamond, some platinum, a convertible. You can have the fur, I'm not really into furs. Of course then you wake up and your Santa is NOT that guy!
Yet it raises the question, if I were going to ask Santa for my heart's desire what would that really be? Not cars and boats. No, not really. So what? If I stop to think like a responsible, kind, loving citizen of this earth then I'm supposed to ask for world peace and an end to hunger, right? And I want that, I do, but I'm thinking of me at this moment. If you find this selfish and not in the spirit of Christmas you can stop reading now, but this is a me moment.
The problem is I find it hard to make the list. Maybe because I do in fact find some things self indulgent.
I'd like to be financially comfortable enough not to worry anymore. I'd like to know that when the girls are 16 I'll be able to buy them cars. I want to take them to Disney World. So there I said it... if I could ask for WHATEVER I wanted, money would be on the list. Shoot me.
It's also difficult because some of it is so unrealistic I guess. I'd ask for more time. More time for fun things, more time for me, more time for the girls. Time for hobbies even. But then I'd have to ask for a hobby because I have NO idea how to come up with one of those. Trust me, I've tried. Which can lead to another wish. The ability to really look back at my life and figure myself out. To get to know me. Then maybe I would feel like I hadn't wasted so much time. Or if nothing else it would make stepping up and taking control of my life now a little easier. So insight into my own soul, hmmm is that too much to ask?
"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth."
– Benjamin Disraeli
I'll keep my list to four, but the last one is the hardest. The last one makes me feel like I appear weak. I want to be a strong independent woman, but how can I be needy at the same time? And I am needy. I need someone to understand me, to know me. I need someone to appreciate what I have to give in the only ways that I know how. I don't think Santa can deliver that. I don't know that I would know how to accept it if he did, but I would be willing to try.
This is my "Grown up Christmas List". I'd like to say it's simpler than the song, but to be honest I think the tangible things are easier even if grandiose. I will enjoy what I do get for Christmas and even more what I am allowed to give. I will watch my girls beam with excitement and know that I couldn't really want for much more than that. But in my heart I allow myself some personal desires. I have now shared them with you. I hope it will help someone else know that it's okay to want things too and even to say them out loud. Wanting and being disappointed about not receiving are very different things.
Monday, November 21, 2011
"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die. So, let us all be thankful. ~ the Buddha
Thankfulness, original thought this week right? But it's meant to be the time to remind yourself so I figured I might as well join the crowd. It's been a trying year to say the least. To be honest it's been a trying few years. In early 2009 I lost my job and my dog in the same week and it seems like it was down hill from there for a while. I lost a friendship that I cherished not long after that. And over the past year I've lost my marriage. Yes, trying times.
*In 2010 approximately 1 in 7 households in America didn't have enough to eat.
*More than 16 out of every 100,000 children under the age of 18 in the US were diagnosed with cancer in the year 2005.
*There were 1.6 million homeless people in America in September 2010.
I could pull statistics from the computer all day long, but is it necessary? Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes others' lives are harder. Perspective is always necessary. So yes, I've had a few years of trying times. I've had support through them. I've been loved by my family. I've been clothed, fed, and kept warm. My children are healthy. And these are the basics. There is so much more. I've laughed. . . a lot. I've seen some beautiful sunsets. I felt an earthquake! (I realize some might not find this to be a positive, however the ability to experience nature is an amazing thing!) I've made new friends. I've watched my daughters become smarter and more beautiful daily. I've learned how to deal with adversities that I didn't know I could handle. All days have not been grand, but I have been given all those days! The quote above is simple but true, I didn't die. For this I am thankful. And for so much more. Perspective...I am very thankful for the ability to see life, not just mine but the life around me, and make sense of what is truly good and bad. I do not experience much that is bad compared to many. I will live with trying times and be thankful.
"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses."
~ Alphonse Karr
Thankfulness, original thought this week right? But it's meant to be the time to remind yourself so I figured I might as well join the crowd. It's been a trying year to say the least. To be honest it's been a trying few years. In early 2009 I lost my job and my dog in the same week and it seems like it was down hill from there for a while. I lost a friendship that I cherished not long after that. And over the past year I've lost my marriage. Yes, trying times.
*In 2010 approximately 1 in 7 households in America didn't have enough to eat.
*More than 16 out of every 100,000 children under the age of 18 in the US were diagnosed with cancer in the year 2005.
*There were 1.6 million homeless people in America in September 2010.
I could pull statistics from the computer all day long, but is it necessary? Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes others' lives are harder. Perspective is always necessary. So yes, I've had a few years of trying times. I've had support through them. I've been loved by my family. I've been clothed, fed, and kept warm. My children are healthy. And these are the basics. There is so much more. I've laughed. . . a lot. I've seen some beautiful sunsets. I felt an earthquake! (I realize some might not find this to be a positive, however the ability to experience nature is an amazing thing!) I've made new friends. I've watched my daughters become smarter and more beautiful daily. I've learned how to deal with adversities that I didn't know I could handle. All days have not been grand, but I have been given all those days! The quote above is simple but true, I didn't die. For this I am thankful. And for so much more. Perspective...I am very thankful for the ability to see life, not just mine but the life around me, and make sense of what is truly good and bad. I do not experience much that is bad compared to many. I will live with trying times and be thankful.
"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses."
~ Alphonse Karr
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I know, I know... it's been a while. Trust me when I tell you I get reminders, OFTEN. It's not that I haven't wanted to write. I've had ideas that fizzled, or chances that I wasted on computer hangman games. I've even just taken turns between staring at my screen saver and the clock when I could have been writing. Obviously focus is a bit of an issue. But today I was thinking that I started this blog with "How I Got Here" so I thought it might be time to address "Where I am".
I cry less often. And in realizing that "not at all" is probably unlikely I find this to be a good thing. By making myself understand that most of my torrential downpours were more from fear, anger, and being overwhelmed than sadness this was easier to take control of than I expected. So one thing down...check.
I exercise more regularly. This is not a huge distinction unfortunately. We are just going to have to call this a baby step with no real promise of giant steps at the moment. I do what I can do. I accept that in myself. I hope you do too. Can I get half a check at least?
The best thing I can say about where I am is where the girls and I are. I'm proud of our routine. We work together, well as much as you can get a 6 and 8 year old to work together. They still bicker a lot, but I am growing more patient. It feels awful to know that you take out your own life issues on your children. I know I'm not the only person that does it, but it still makes me feel bad. I'm getting better. I'm still loud, will always be loud, but I'm having to apologize to them less. I'm glad. The 3 of us are learning together how to deal with what life throws at us. And we are learning not to expect the cookie cutter lives that we expected. They really don't exist and I'm not sure that it's terrible for the girls to figure that out at such a young age. I hate it's taking divorced parents to understand it, but I think they will be better people because they do get that. So kids and I are good. Double check.
My own life is still very much in limbo. This I hate! And much of it is out of my control. Hmmmm, lack of control. THIS I HATE! But I'm learning to let it go some. I'm living in the moment more for now. I have to say for now because I do believe I will reach the point when I have to grab on and regain control, push much harder. But for now, in the limbo state, this is how I keep sanity. I guess this is a wash, no check no minus.
So now we are down to where the minus comes in. I'm still convinced most days that I can't do everything alone. To be honest, I'm doing it. Maybe even better than I did before. I keep all my plates spinning (thanks to a cousin and fellow blogger for that example) but I FEEL like they are all about to drop at any minute. I guess it boils down to not trusting myself or more so not trusting my abilities. Remember when you were a kid? You could do anything and just let someone tell you otherwise! Bulletproof, well I was anyway. And I watch people as they get older, no longer scared to speak their mind, determined not to let anyone help them. Why then, right in the middle of life, when I need that attitude the most am I the least confident? This is, at present, my fail. And it truly isn't my actions, it's only how I feel about it. I want to stand, put my hands in the air, and roar "I am She Ra (remember her?), I can do anything!" But I look at myself and I think I'm a little more Aunt Bee. . "Andy, oh my, what am I going to do? The oven is broken and I have pies to bake." Point being I let silly little things get to me, knock me down, and make me feel alone and inept. But then I do get back up and keep going. I'll keep working on She Ra - the red headed version of course - but until I get there I'll just keep going.
SO. . . a little closer to 40, still overweight, not as close to "legally" single as I would like to be, but still happy and getting better all the time.
I cry less often. And in realizing that "not at all" is probably unlikely I find this to be a good thing. By making myself understand that most of my torrential downpours were more from fear, anger, and being overwhelmed than sadness this was easier to take control of than I expected. So one thing down...check.
I exercise more regularly. This is not a huge distinction unfortunately. We are just going to have to call this a baby step with no real promise of giant steps at the moment. I do what I can do. I accept that in myself. I hope you do too. Can I get half a check at least?
The best thing I can say about where I am is where the girls and I are. I'm proud of our routine. We work together, well as much as you can get a 6 and 8 year old to work together. They still bicker a lot, but I am growing more patient. It feels awful to know that you take out your own life issues on your children. I know I'm not the only person that does it, but it still makes me feel bad. I'm getting better. I'm still loud, will always be loud, but I'm having to apologize to them less. I'm glad. The 3 of us are learning together how to deal with what life throws at us. And we are learning not to expect the cookie cutter lives that we expected. They really don't exist and I'm not sure that it's terrible for the girls to figure that out at such a young age. I hate it's taking divorced parents to understand it, but I think they will be better people because they do get that. So kids and I are good. Double check.
My own life is still very much in limbo. This I hate! And much of it is out of my control. Hmmmm, lack of control. THIS I HATE! But I'm learning to let it go some. I'm living in the moment more for now. I have to say for now because I do believe I will reach the point when I have to grab on and regain control, push much harder. But for now, in the limbo state, this is how I keep sanity. I guess this is a wash, no check no minus.
So now we are down to where the minus comes in. I'm still convinced most days that I can't do everything alone. To be honest, I'm doing it. Maybe even better than I did before. I keep all my plates spinning (thanks to a cousin and fellow blogger for that example) but I FEEL like they are all about to drop at any minute. I guess it boils down to not trusting myself or more so not trusting my abilities. Remember when you were a kid? You could do anything and just let someone tell you otherwise! Bulletproof, well I was anyway. And I watch people as they get older, no longer scared to speak their mind, determined not to let anyone help them. Why then, right in the middle of life, when I need that attitude the most am I the least confident? This is, at present, my fail. And it truly isn't my actions, it's only how I feel about it. I want to stand, put my hands in the air, and roar "I am She Ra (remember her?), I can do anything!" But I look at myself and I think I'm a little more Aunt Bee. . "Andy, oh my, what am I going to do? The oven is broken and I have pies to bake." Point being I let silly little things get to me, knock me down, and make me feel alone and inept. But then I do get back up and keep going. I'll keep working on She Ra - the red headed version of course - but until I get there I'll just keep going.
SO. . . a little closer to 40, still overweight, not as close to "legally" single as I would like to be, but still happy and getting better all the time.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
What words uplift you?
"Here's what my love affair with quotations has taught me; the more you focus on words that uplift you, the more you embody the idea contained in those words" - Oprah.
When asked what words uplift me I couldn't answer right away. I had to think about it, I also asked others for uplifting words. Here are a couple of my favorites:
“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” - unknown
"Be yourself...everyone else is already taken!" - Oscar Wilde
Of course I could spend time searching out my own favorite quotes, but a copy of other's words doesn't seem like much of my own blog. I think I'd rather consider what types of words and sentiment inspire me. Because to be honest, most inspiring words I find come from the most curious of places. Quiet conversations you may not have even been meant to hear. Or listening to someone else's story of a burden that makes you realize that pain can also be encouraging if you listen to what others do to over come it.
So here we are at words uplift me. Words spoken of courage. I really do like the quote above. Understanding that courage doesn't have to be facing the dragon, but being willing to slowly sneak up and feed it, making it your friend, is so much harder and takes much longer. Continuing is courage, not fighting and winning.
Words about liking who you are and LEARNING who you are. I spent many years being told to like myself, but it wasn't until I started to dig and read about how to be a happier person that I began to realize I had to figure out who I was before I could decide I liked who I was. And truly I think it's okay not to like all of it. There are things about me that I don't like and that I can change. That being true I'm sure I have an obligation to myself to do so. I guess I would say that I like words that encourage me to like who I am becoming and that push me to keep becoming. Never stop evolving. I think possibly liking who you are at present too much is a bit of a cop out. It allows you to stop growing.
And I am very often uplifted by people's struggles. Probably more than anything else. A famous person can say something brilliant and profound, but when you live in the limelight and have everything in front of you it's easy to say positive things. I am uplifted by those that have been knocked down over and over and stand up to tell you about it. Not for sympathy but to share how they lived and survived and how they want to help you do the same. Or along the same lines of what I said before about courage, the person who's struggles you hear of just rather matter of factly. Not praise that they even made it through, just the way life is and how they plan to continue to live. So truly, I think I am more inspired by actions than I am words at all. Maya Angelou said "you can tall a lot about a person by the way he/she handles three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights." Sometimes words are just words. Behavior is inspiring.
How I watch someone speak to a child, or pet a dog. How someone speaks to me and when, not what they say. The faithful good morning that I get every morning inspires me to keep going. Watching someone stop to open the door for a women with a baby in a car seat and two in tow, that's inspiring. The person that says hello with a smile to the not so clean man on the street corner, that is inspiring.
I am not saying words don't teach and don't help us get to these places. I just believe how we use these words in everyday life mean so much more.
I can read and research and study. And words about kindness, and learning what contentment should be can help teach me how to live. I appreciate these words being put down on paper. Sometimes I truly need them to remind me of the kind of person I want to be. But to say someone has inspired me it is how they spoke to me, when they noticed that I needed a kind or teaching word, these are the times that I will remember who and what made me try to become the best person I could be. True inspiration comes from our parents, our teacher, preachers, bosses, and friends. Even sometimes just strangers that pass you on the street. I think I am most inspired by these people as I watch the world that is closest around me and can thankfully say that I can still see kindness most everyday.
When asked what words uplift me I couldn't answer right away. I had to think about it, I also asked others for uplifting words. Here are a couple of my favorites:
“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” - unknown
"Be yourself...everyone else is already taken!" - Oscar Wilde
Of course I could spend time searching out my own favorite quotes, but a copy of other's words doesn't seem like much of my own blog. I think I'd rather consider what types of words and sentiment inspire me. Because to be honest, most inspiring words I find come from the most curious of places. Quiet conversations you may not have even been meant to hear. Or listening to someone else's story of a burden that makes you realize that pain can also be encouraging if you listen to what others do to over come it.
So here we are at words uplift me. Words spoken of courage. I really do like the quote above. Understanding that courage doesn't have to be facing the dragon, but being willing to slowly sneak up and feed it, making it your friend, is so much harder and takes much longer. Continuing is courage, not fighting and winning.
Words about liking who you are and LEARNING who you are. I spent many years being told to like myself, but it wasn't until I started to dig and read about how to be a happier person that I began to realize I had to figure out who I was before I could decide I liked who I was. And truly I think it's okay not to like all of it. There are things about me that I don't like and that I can change. That being true I'm sure I have an obligation to myself to do so. I guess I would say that I like words that encourage me to like who I am becoming and that push me to keep becoming. Never stop evolving. I think possibly liking who you are at present too much is a bit of a cop out. It allows you to stop growing.
And I am very often uplifted by people's struggles. Probably more than anything else. A famous person can say something brilliant and profound, but when you live in the limelight and have everything in front of you it's easy to say positive things. I am uplifted by those that have been knocked down over and over and stand up to tell you about it. Not for sympathy but to share how they lived and survived and how they want to help you do the same. Or along the same lines of what I said before about courage, the person who's struggles you hear of just rather matter of factly. Not praise that they even made it through, just the way life is and how they plan to continue to live. So truly, I think I am more inspired by actions than I am words at all. Maya Angelou said "you can tall a lot about a person by the way he/she handles three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights." Sometimes words are just words. Behavior is inspiring.
How I watch someone speak to a child, or pet a dog. How someone speaks to me and when, not what they say. The faithful good morning that I get every morning inspires me to keep going. Watching someone stop to open the door for a women with a baby in a car seat and two in tow, that's inspiring. The person that says hello with a smile to the not so clean man on the street corner, that is inspiring.
I am not saying words don't teach and don't help us get to these places. I just believe how we use these words in everyday life mean so much more.
I can read and research and study. And words about kindness, and learning what contentment should be can help teach me how to live. I appreciate these words being put down on paper. Sometimes I truly need them to remind me of the kind of person I want to be. But to say someone has inspired me it is how they spoke to me, when they noticed that I needed a kind or teaching word, these are the times that I will remember who and what made me try to become the best person I could be. True inspiration comes from our parents, our teacher, preachers, bosses, and friends. Even sometimes just strangers that pass you on the street. I think I am most inspired by these people as I watch the world that is closest around me and can thankfully say that I can still see kindness most everyday.
Friday, September 23, 2011
"Everything you’ve experienced is stored in your body at a cellular level. Each cell is a record of all of it. I’ve felt it in your skin. Being born. Being held. The time you fell off your bike and weren’t that hurt but very scared. That brutal sunburn on your shoulders at 14. The time you fell out of a tree and broke your collarbone. The first time you felt deeply loved. The person who hurt you so badly you thought you were broken for good. Your muscles remember it. They remember it like it happened 10 minutes ago."
-Kate Batolotta
It's funny to think of our physical body as having a memory, but the more I think about it the more I know it must be true. I think our bodies must have a clearer picture of the past than our minds. When we are afraid our bodies react, based on instinct or maybe based on remembrance of the pain something caused before. In our minds we rationalize, we hesitate. Our minds are cloudy with not just actions but thoughts and emotions about actions. Nothing ever comes out exactly the way it went in. Our bodies are just as they appear. What we've given what we've taken from it. It shows the neglect and abuse, it shows the care and love we put in. Our minds twist the good and turn it to bad as well as taking the bad and convincing us it can be good.
When I was growing up Mama had a Christmas ornament that, any time I looked at it, I felt like I would throw up. I'm not exaggerating. It made me physically ill just to see it. I have no idea why this is. My brain has no recollection of anything bad that happened in reference to this ornament, but my body remembered something. I always made Mama put it on the back of the tree. When I became an adult there was finally a Christmas when Mama pulled it out of the box to put on the tree and I took it down and threw it away. Yet another fallacy of the brain. What took me so long to realize I could remove the culprit causing the problem when my body had been telling me it was bad all this time?
I can look at every scar on my body, every mark and tell a story. The lines from where I wore my wedding ring won't go away either. Stretch marks from being pregnant, I wouldn't even want to give those up I don't think. My body tells a story of me that I can't tell. The muscle in my left arm, that is bigger than my right from carrying trays in restaurants years ago, remembers how hard I worked when so much of it seemed like play. The pain that comes and goes almost daily now across the back of my neck and shoulders remembers how much emotion I can handle in my head and in my heart and takes one for the team not allowing the emotion to surface when it's too much. The jiggles, well pretty much everywhere, tell you I'd really much rather give into my vices and enjoy every moment in the moment instead of considering the consequences.
I know that my body remembers my childhood. We lived out in the country and didn't have big tvs or video games or cable. We spent a lot of time outside, we gardened, we hiked through the woods, we played in the creek. We were outdoor kids even when we didn't want to be honestly. Now, while you probably wouldn't expect to see me hiking much and I'm positive I'm not planning on getting in a creek anytime soon without cement shoes, there is nothing that can change my whole outlook on life like a walk in the sun. My body remembers. I like the smell of freshly cut grass, I even like the smell of a skunk spray, when you pick it up through your car window as you are driving by. If that's not an involuntary remembrance, I certainly don't know what is!
My body aches when it's time to ache, cries when it's time to cry, and belly laughs and picks me up when it's time to enjoy life. It's so involuntary, more and more so as I get older.
I think our bodies remember what our mind cannot or possibly what our mind doesn't realize it should. It remembers and reacts, without hesitation.
-Kate Batolotta
It's funny to think of our physical body as having a memory, but the more I think about it the more I know it must be true. I think our bodies must have a clearer picture of the past than our minds. When we are afraid our bodies react, based on instinct or maybe based on remembrance of the pain something caused before. In our minds we rationalize, we hesitate. Our minds are cloudy with not just actions but thoughts and emotions about actions. Nothing ever comes out exactly the way it went in. Our bodies are just as they appear. What we've given what we've taken from it. It shows the neglect and abuse, it shows the care and love we put in. Our minds twist the good and turn it to bad as well as taking the bad and convincing us it can be good.
When I was growing up Mama had a Christmas ornament that, any time I looked at it, I felt like I would throw up. I'm not exaggerating. It made me physically ill just to see it. I have no idea why this is. My brain has no recollection of anything bad that happened in reference to this ornament, but my body remembered something. I always made Mama put it on the back of the tree. When I became an adult there was finally a Christmas when Mama pulled it out of the box to put on the tree and I took it down and threw it away. Yet another fallacy of the brain. What took me so long to realize I could remove the culprit causing the problem when my body had been telling me it was bad all this time?
I can look at every scar on my body, every mark and tell a story. The lines from where I wore my wedding ring won't go away either. Stretch marks from being pregnant, I wouldn't even want to give those up I don't think. My body tells a story of me that I can't tell. The muscle in my left arm, that is bigger than my right from carrying trays in restaurants years ago, remembers how hard I worked when so much of it seemed like play. The pain that comes and goes almost daily now across the back of my neck and shoulders remembers how much emotion I can handle in my head and in my heart and takes one for the team not allowing the emotion to surface when it's too much. The jiggles, well pretty much everywhere, tell you I'd really much rather give into my vices and enjoy every moment in the moment instead of considering the consequences.
I know that my body remembers my childhood. We lived out in the country and didn't have big tvs or video games or cable. We spent a lot of time outside, we gardened, we hiked through the woods, we played in the creek. We were outdoor kids even when we didn't want to be honestly. Now, while you probably wouldn't expect to see me hiking much and I'm positive I'm not planning on getting in a creek anytime soon without cement shoes, there is nothing that can change my whole outlook on life like a walk in the sun. My body remembers. I like the smell of freshly cut grass, I even like the smell of a skunk spray, when you pick it up through your car window as you are driving by. If that's not an involuntary remembrance, I certainly don't know what is!
My body aches when it's time to ache, cries when it's time to cry, and belly laughs and picks me up when it's time to enjoy life. It's so involuntary, more and more so as I get older.
I think our bodies remember what our mind cannot or possibly what our mind doesn't realize it should. It remembers and reacts, without hesitation.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I'm sitting here trying to think of something to write today and having a hard time putting anything on paper. Wait, I mean on screen. Paper. . . that was funny.
It isn't as if I don't have thoughts floating around in my head. Actually floating isn't an appropriate description. More like squishing around on top of each other like a pound of worms in a half pound container. So issue number one is actually untangling them into any kind of stream of thought that makes sense. Issue two is finding the ones that anyone else would want to read.
I could tell you how weight conscious I feel this week and how I wish that just for once in my life I could be one of those people that was just born the perfect size and never had to worry about it. But what good would that conversation be? It's not what is or what's going to be. Weight is my albatross. I accept it and every other day, or maybe every third day, I work at controlling it.
I could tell you how aggravated I get at myself for letting my past mistakes get me down and that I tend to beat myself up over regret. But then I'd just have to tell myself to get up and move on. "Put your big girl panties on Heather!" There I said it 1st, just in case anyone else wanted to! The only thing saying "regret" out loud does for me is remind me how stupid it is and what a waste of time and energy it is.
Of course I could also tell you what amazing children I have and how proud I am of them! They are so smart and so resilient. I'm amazed by them everyday! Even now as we are going through our family "reorganization" they just take things as they come and are so sweet and understanding to their father and to me. They never look to blame or accuse even when it makes their lives different than they may want them to be. They love us unconditionally. He and I could stand to learn from that.
I could also tell you that I feel good about the progress I am making in my life. It certainly is up and down. I don't think I've allowed my self emotions much at all until now so somedays they certainly get the better of me. But I throw my tantrums and then I calmly put myself back together and try to learn something from it. It's taking time but I may finally be figuring out who I want to be. I'm proud of that.
Then there are all the little tadpoles swimming in between the worms that are just the things I need to get done each day. Homework, laundry, cooking, bills, birthday parties. Oh and I need to go see my Grandmother really badly but haven't quite figured out when to fit that in! But none of this means much to anyone but me because who doesn't have them, nibbling away at your time and even at your brain as the constant thought of needing to get them done steals time from what you are doing, right? So who wants to read about that in someone else's life?
So here I am again without much to say, all evidence to the contrary. There are other thoughts up there too. Thoughts about things I want, about things I'd like to change, about things I'd like to happen. Most that you wouldn't find very interesting. Maybe a couple that you would, but my mother reads this blog so we're gonna have to skip those too.
I guess I'll have to leave it at this today. Just another normal yet crazy day in my head and me hoping that the good vs. bad thought battle stays even enough just to keep it from popping off my shoulders!
It isn't as if I don't have thoughts floating around in my head. Actually floating isn't an appropriate description. More like squishing around on top of each other like a pound of worms in a half pound container. So issue number one is actually untangling them into any kind of stream of thought that makes sense. Issue two is finding the ones that anyone else would want to read.
I could tell you how weight conscious I feel this week and how I wish that just for once in my life I could be one of those people that was just born the perfect size and never had to worry about it. But what good would that conversation be? It's not what is or what's going to be. Weight is my albatross. I accept it and every other day, or maybe every third day, I work at controlling it.
I could tell you how aggravated I get at myself for letting my past mistakes get me down and that I tend to beat myself up over regret. But then I'd just have to tell myself to get up and move on. "Put your big girl panties on Heather!" There I said it 1st, just in case anyone else wanted to! The only thing saying "regret" out loud does for me is remind me how stupid it is and what a waste of time and energy it is.
Of course I could also tell you what amazing children I have and how proud I am of them! They are so smart and so resilient. I'm amazed by them everyday! Even now as we are going through our family "reorganization" they just take things as they come and are so sweet and understanding to their father and to me. They never look to blame or accuse even when it makes their lives different than they may want them to be. They love us unconditionally. He and I could stand to learn from that.
I could also tell you that I feel good about the progress I am making in my life. It certainly is up and down. I don't think I've allowed my self emotions much at all until now so somedays they certainly get the better of me. But I throw my tantrums and then I calmly put myself back together and try to learn something from it. It's taking time but I may finally be figuring out who I want to be. I'm proud of that.
Then there are all the little tadpoles swimming in between the worms that are just the things I need to get done each day. Homework, laundry, cooking, bills, birthday parties. Oh and I need to go see my Grandmother really badly but haven't quite figured out when to fit that in! But none of this means much to anyone but me because who doesn't have them, nibbling away at your time and even at your brain as the constant thought of needing to get them done steals time from what you are doing, right? So who wants to read about that in someone else's life?
So here I am again without much to say, all evidence to the contrary. There are other thoughts up there too. Thoughts about things I want, about things I'd like to change, about things I'd like to happen. Most that you wouldn't find very interesting. Maybe a couple that you would, but my mother reads this blog so we're gonna have to skip those too.
I guess I'll have to leave it at this today. Just another normal yet crazy day in my head and me hoping that the good vs. bad thought battle stays even enough just to keep it from popping off my shoulders!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
I let myself take a major dip in spirit this week. I don't know why I allow it to happen and what's worse I think I push it. It is as if once I start the downward spiral I am not happy until I hit the bottom. Talk about your stupid compulsions!? Couldn't I just be addicted to speed or something instead? Then I'd be thin and maybe my house would be clean? Instead my eyes are just puffy, red, and a little more wrinkled. Nice.
However, I don't ever let my binges last long and I can pull myself out of them generally just as quickly as I push myself in. Self Abuser / Self Healer. I think I'll get a business card. So as I began my healing process today I actually got in some exercise, which I'm very excited about! I know it's just once but I'm saying it's a beginning. I mean really, I'm pretty good at beginnings so go with what you know right? Celebrate your successes, I say! I can DO beginnings. Middles and endings weeeelllll.... not so much. But you see, one cannot have a middle or end without a beginning so I’m still on the right track! I’ve had a couple of other positive things happen this week and I’m feeling confident. Monday I considered writing that I was a fraud and a failure and that I was done with the whole thing, but I cannot give up or give in! I will not be beaten!
So enough of the cheerleader blah blah blah. I have to admit something else and I truly want to say it out loud. I do not love being PTA, Daisy, all around involved Mom. I do it. I will continue to do it. I will smile when I do it. I do not like it. Now seriously ,I love my daughters. I love spending time with them, playing with them, laughing with them. I do not like organized. . . um organized... organized ANYTHING!! Religion, sports, children’s play groups. I don’t like them. They expect me to show up when I say I will, expect me to participate no matter what my mood, and worse, expect me to care. Who came up with this idea. It wasn’t a mother. I am as sure of that as I am sure that a woman did not design high heels. Because teaching our children hygiene, how to clean their rooms, how to load the dishwasher, helping them with their homework, cooking dinner, doing laundry, and for most of us WORKING, all that just wasn’t enough. We needed extra curricular activities and Moms to volunteer! Well I hate it! There I’ve said it. . . now I have to wrap this blog up because I have to be at the school in the morning to lead the class in Math Superstars before I go to work.
Send me motivating thoughts my way at about 5:45am. I’d love to think I could exercise two days in a row, and as the little boy in Angels in the Outfield says “It could happen.”
However, I don't ever let my binges last long and I can pull myself out of them generally just as quickly as I push myself in. Self Abuser / Self Healer. I think I'll get a business card. So as I began my healing process today I actually got in some exercise, which I'm very excited about! I know it's just once but I'm saying it's a beginning. I mean really, I'm pretty good at beginnings so go with what you know right? Celebrate your successes, I say! I can DO beginnings. Middles and endings weeeelllll.... not so much. But you see, one cannot have a middle or end without a beginning so I’m still on the right track! I’ve had a couple of other positive things happen this week and I’m feeling confident. Monday I considered writing that I was a fraud and a failure and that I was done with the whole thing, but I cannot give up or give in! I will not be beaten!
So enough of the cheerleader blah blah blah. I have to admit something else and I truly want to say it out loud. I do not love being PTA, Daisy, all around involved Mom. I do it. I will continue to do it. I will smile when I do it. I do not like it. Now seriously ,I love my daughters. I love spending time with them, playing with them, laughing with them. I do not like organized. . . um organized... organized ANYTHING!! Religion, sports, children’s play groups. I don’t like them. They expect me to show up when I say I will, expect me to participate no matter what my mood, and worse, expect me to care. Who came up with this idea. It wasn’t a mother. I am as sure of that as I am sure that a woman did not design high heels. Because teaching our children hygiene, how to clean their rooms, how to load the dishwasher, helping them with their homework, cooking dinner, doing laundry, and for most of us WORKING, all that just wasn’t enough. We needed extra curricular activities and Moms to volunteer! Well I hate it! There I’ve said it. . . now I have to wrap this blog up because I have to be at the school in the morning to lead the class in Math Superstars before I go to work.
Send me motivating thoughts my way at about 5:45am. I’d love to think I could exercise two days in a row, and as the little boy in Angels in the Outfield says “It could happen.”
Monday, September 12, 2011
I cried for my loss today.
And people all over the world cried for a loss that is beyond a reach I can fathom,
but I cried for my loss today.
Somewhere a child lost a blanket or a bear and cried themselves to sleep for the loss that was more than they could bear,
While others cried out for healing that still won’t come in a world that no longer fosters healing.
And I cried for my loss today.
Someone held the hand of loved one, searching for reason in sickness and death, crying for experiences that will never be, loves that will never be, life that will no longer be
yet still
I cried for my loss today.
I look up to God and I thank him for what I’ve been given and I ask for peace, not only for myself but for those affected in my life. And I pray for guidance and love for those I have hurt and those that have hurt me. I steady fight within my own being to move forward, appreciating life as it is given and I look the past as if it could be a beacon leading me on to a new day, a new life.
And I cried for my loss today.
I remember others’ pain and I try to imagine it, knowing that my life if beautiful and full compared to so many.
I ask a God that I am confused and conflicted by to care for others, heal others, forgive me in hopes that my cries will find their way to a healing ear, knowing that others deserve more than I in this world so filled with despair and anguish, wishing my selfishness could somehow disappear and I could rise to a new daybreak knowing that life is a gift and even the pain that comes with it is a gift of feeling that some have lost along the way.
However I look at myself and I know that I cannot wish my angst away and I cannot drown it in the angst of others. I have to face it dead on and give it the attention that it screams for
So again I stopped
And I cried for my loss today.
And people all over the world cried for a loss that is beyond a reach I can fathom,
but I cried for my loss today.
Somewhere a child lost a blanket or a bear and cried themselves to sleep for the loss that was more than they could bear,
While others cried out for healing that still won’t come in a world that no longer fosters healing.
And I cried for my loss today.
Someone held the hand of loved one, searching for reason in sickness and death, crying for experiences that will never be, loves that will never be, life that will no longer be
yet still
I cried for my loss today.
I look up to God and I thank him for what I’ve been given and I ask for peace, not only for myself but for those affected in my life. And I pray for guidance and love for those I have hurt and those that have hurt me. I steady fight within my own being to move forward, appreciating life as it is given and I look the past as if it could be a beacon leading me on to a new day, a new life.
And I cried for my loss today.
I remember others’ pain and I try to imagine it, knowing that my life if beautiful and full compared to so many.
I ask a God that I am confused and conflicted by to care for others, heal others, forgive me in hopes that my cries will find their way to a healing ear, knowing that others deserve more than I in this world so filled with despair and anguish, wishing my selfishness could somehow disappear and I could rise to a new daybreak knowing that life is a gift and even the pain that comes with it is a gift of feeling that some have lost along the way.
However I look at myself and I know that I cannot wish my angst away and I cannot drown it in the angst of others. I have to face it dead on and give it the attention that it screams for
So again I stopped
And I cried for my loss today.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
It's been a different weekend for me. My children spent the first weekend with their father and his girlfriend in their house. Change is such a scary thing, I don't care how much you think you want it or you really know it's the best thing... it scares the hell out of me anyway! Guess I can't speak for anyone but me. I'm sure there are people out there that can truly just flow with whatever life throws their way. They look at it, see the positives, move forward. I HATE THOSE PEOPLE. "People are always telling me that change is good. But all that means is something you didn't want to happen has happened." - Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail.
Of course I do recognize my need to embrace it. I also recognize the fact that I am the kind of person who would stay in a bad but comfortable situation rather than move on into a situation that, while difficult, will be better and make me happier in the long run. It's hard to understand how you know something like this about yourself but continue to operate in the same manner. "Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become." I love that thought. However at my age and in my position it is a little hard to convince myself that there is something else that I can become. Wasn't I supposed to be what I was going to be by now? Or maybe we are always evolving and we are never a finished product. "The first step towards change is awareness. The second step is acceptance." - Nathaniel Branden
The truth of my life right now is that I have to accept the change that is happening. And the harder truth is I have to see the good in it, take that and turn it the ability to continue to evolve into a better person daily. "The great thing is, if one can, to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions in ones own or real life. The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one's life." - C.S. Lewis.
So the lesson in change is that every step is just your life as it was meant to be played. Somehow the word change connotes an event that wasn't meant to happen has happened and you now have to adapt. However maybe the truth of the universe is that there isn't really "change" at all, only continuance.
"Life is change, growth is optional. Choose wisely."
So I think I am deciding to say, as of today, my life isn't changing. I am growing. I will work to accept the evolution of my life and the never ending growth that the world forces on me. I cannot promise I will always like it but I will accept it and use it to my advantage somehow.
*** forgive all the quotes today, but I felt they told my story better than I could alone.
Of course I do recognize my need to embrace it. I also recognize the fact that I am the kind of person who would stay in a bad but comfortable situation rather than move on into a situation that, while difficult, will be better and make me happier in the long run. It's hard to understand how you know something like this about yourself but continue to operate in the same manner. "Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become." I love that thought. However at my age and in my position it is a little hard to convince myself that there is something else that I can become. Wasn't I supposed to be what I was going to be by now? Or maybe we are always evolving and we are never a finished product. "The first step towards change is awareness. The second step is acceptance." - Nathaniel Branden
The truth of my life right now is that I have to accept the change that is happening. And the harder truth is I have to see the good in it, take that and turn it the ability to continue to evolve into a better person daily. "The great thing is, if one can, to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions in ones own or real life. The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one's life." - C.S. Lewis.
So the lesson in change is that every step is just your life as it was meant to be played. Somehow the word change connotes an event that wasn't meant to happen has happened and you now have to adapt. However maybe the truth of the universe is that there isn't really "change" at all, only continuance.
"Life is change, growth is optional. Choose wisely."
So I think I am deciding to say, as of today, my life isn't changing. I am growing. I will work to accept the evolution of my life and the never ending growth that the world forces on me. I cannot promise I will always like it but I will accept it and use it to my advantage somehow.
*** forgive all the quotes today, but I felt they told my story better than I could alone.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Comfortable In Your Own Skin
"You know her - She is that friend who always looks fabulous. And it's not only the colors she wears or the mix of patterns that just works or the necklace that no one else you know can pull off. what she really has is something you can't get at the mall - confidence. She's strong, she's sexy, and she buys only what she loves. Simply put, she looks good because she feels good. And you can channel her style with a little help from fall's best new clothes."
This was an add in the Ladies Home Journal. What does it say to you? This is what it says to me: "Look at her, she's perfect. You wish you could be her but you can't. She's better than you will ever be and you know it. But spend some money and we will try to help you look like her because addressing your level of confidence and how you feel about yourself is a waste of time. Let us help you pretend to be someone else so that no one can tell on the inside you are miserable. But whatever you do... don't just try to be yourself!"
I mean really! First of all clothes do not make the woman. They may make the man because there isn't much else he can do with himself ( I know, cheap shot) but they do not make the woman. The initial description of the woman is wonderful. She chooses who she is and because she feels good it radiates to others. But why in the world would a women's magazine tell us that we can't be this too?!
Being comfortable in your own skin is something that I don't even think some people understand. It is exactly why these kinds of ads exist. Because there are people out there that don't understand why anyone would just want to be, dress, choose what they like for themselves! We should all want to be someone else. It's infuriating actually. It's telling us not to like who we are, but to like that girl over there and who she is better, because THAT is the way to make yourself feel good. Are you kidding me?? I personally do have a strong opinion about how I want to look and it does make me feel a certain way when I do or don't accomplish it. But then I see those women that appear not to care at all, they are earthy as can be, for lack of a better description, and the confidence they exude is amazing. And I find them beautiful though I think I could never pull off that look without just looking dirty. So it's obviously not the look at all. Arthur Rubenstein said "I have found that if you love life, it loves you back. It's all about attitude." So how do you love life? Love yourself!
Now I am not saying that I am this person everyday. It's hard to feel strong and confident all the time. I fight it everyday! BUT I will not let a magazine that claims to be the best advice for women tell me that I cannot be strong and confident but it will gladly help me dress like the woman that is!
This was an add in the Ladies Home Journal. What does it say to you? This is what it says to me: "Look at her, she's perfect. You wish you could be her but you can't. She's better than you will ever be and you know it. But spend some money and we will try to help you look like her because addressing your level of confidence and how you feel about yourself is a waste of time. Let us help you pretend to be someone else so that no one can tell on the inside you are miserable. But whatever you do... don't just try to be yourself!"
I mean really! First of all clothes do not make the woman. They may make the man because there isn't much else he can do with himself ( I know, cheap shot) but they do not make the woman. The initial description of the woman is wonderful. She chooses who she is and because she feels good it radiates to others. But why in the world would a women's magazine tell us that we can't be this too?!
Being comfortable in your own skin is something that I don't even think some people understand. It is exactly why these kinds of ads exist. Because there are people out there that don't understand why anyone would just want to be, dress, choose what they like for themselves! We should all want to be someone else. It's infuriating actually. It's telling us not to like who we are, but to like that girl over there and who she is better, because THAT is the way to make yourself feel good. Are you kidding me?? I personally do have a strong opinion about how I want to look and it does make me feel a certain way when I do or don't accomplish it. But then I see those women that appear not to care at all, they are earthy as can be, for lack of a better description, and the confidence they exude is amazing. And I find them beautiful though I think I could never pull off that look without just looking dirty. So it's obviously not the look at all. Arthur Rubenstein said "I have found that if you love life, it loves you back. It's all about attitude." So how do you love life? Love yourself!
Now I am not saying that I am this person everyday. It's hard to feel strong and confident all the time. I fight it everyday! BUT I will not let a magazine that claims to be the best advice for women tell me that I cannot be strong and confident but it will gladly help me dress like the woman that is!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
What is your life worth?
I'm watching a news program following people in Appalachia. You know, it absolutely amazes me that people still live as they do there. I look around my world and often times think my life is hard. I don't know hard. Kids raised in a house without a book? Really? Oh the things we take for granted. As I sit here and type on my computer there are children out there who don't even have the opportunity to read. A life without Dr. Suess. Can you even imagine? "Would not could not without a book, I will not do it Sam I am, I will not stay in this tin can."
So it makes me consider my lack of motivation. All the opportunity I have around me, all the things right in my face to push me. What if there was nothing? What if all you saw as a step up was a life in a coal mine instead of staying home on welfare or dealing drugs? Wow. We take so much for granted when we've actually been given things and opportunity. What if my only opportunity was a job in fast food? What would I do then?
I call myself unmotivated of course I spend all day everyday working, taking care of children, volunteering at the school, being a Daisy scout leader, keeping house, doing laundry, and being a mother and hopefully a good friend. So I am busy. Busy is not motivated. I do what I have to do everyday but I am not taking advantage of the options I have all around me. And these people have so few chances. Hmmm. . .makes me think.
Of course it also makes me wonder if I need to be motivated to do for me, or if I should be finding more ways to do for other people. "I will feed hungry children green eggs and ham, I'll help these people Sam I am." Of course I have to be in a better position than I'm in to do much for others. So there is yet another reason to push ahead. I need to do better for me so that I can pay back what's been given to me to help others. Oh the stressful, pay it forward yet at this point can't quite even pay it backward, of it all!! I have to think about what I have, the chances I have, and make sure I appreciate it. And work harder. I think that's truly all I can commit to. And to be more mindful of my surroundings and others surroundings. Some truly unimaginable to me but still here, right in the United States, not some foreign country. And they don't know or care that the stock market isn't doing so well or that the Government is in crisis. They know drugs and poverty and their children learn hopelessness.
Some days I think my life is hard. I don't know hard. "I will do better Sam I am, I will remember who's worse off than I am and appreciate my life outside the tin can."
So it makes me consider my lack of motivation. All the opportunity I have around me, all the things right in my face to push me. What if there was nothing? What if all you saw as a step up was a life in a coal mine instead of staying home on welfare or dealing drugs? Wow. We take so much for granted when we've actually been given things and opportunity. What if my only opportunity was a job in fast food? What would I do then?
I call myself unmotivated of course I spend all day everyday working, taking care of children, volunteering at the school, being a Daisy scout leader, keeping house, doing laundry, and being a mother and hopefully a good friend. So I am busy. Busy is not motivated. I do what I have to do everyday but I am not taking advantage of the options I have all around me. And these people have so few chances. Hmmm. . .makes me think.
Of course it also makes me wonder if I need to be motivated to do for me, or if I should be finding more ways to do for other people. "I will feed hungry children green eggs and ham, I'll help these people Sam I am." Of course I have to be in a better position than I'm in to do much for others. So there is yet another reason to push ahead. I need to do better for me so that I can pay back what's been given to me to help others. Oh the stressful, pay it forward yet at this point can't quite even pay it backward, of it all!! I have to think about what I have, the chances I have, and make sure I appreciate it. And work harder. I think that's truly all I can commit to. And to be more mindful of my surroundings and others surroundings. Some truly unimaginable to me but still here, right in the United States, not some foreign country. And they don't know or care that the stock market isn't doing so well or that the Government is in crisis. They know drugs and poverty and their children learn hopelessness.
Some days I think my life is hard. I don't know hard. "I will do better Sam I am, I will remember who's worse off than I am and appreciate my life outside the tin can."
Monday, August 29, 2011
"You dropped something.... your smile."
Be kind for everyone you meet is facing a great battle ~ Plato
We think about ourselves all day long. What to wear, what to eat, who we would like to see today, who we would rather not see, what we want, what we need. . . how often do you look at someone else and think of what they might need? Some of us may not have much to give others, but we all have kindness. Sure there are days that the kids wake up fighting, the dog pukes, I forget I need gas on the way to work and am late... I do not feel kind at all, but the guy at the gas station who says good morning didn't make all that happen to me. In fact is very possible he walked to work with holes in his socks, has no kids or dogs to love him, and a sick mother at home that he is working to care for. I don't know. I'll never know. But I could smile instead of snarl when he speaks to me. It might make a difference. And he might be nice to the next person who's situation is even worse. . . and so on and so on.
I realize this isn't a new concept. I haven't just told you some profound new idea that could change the world! We know to be nice, we just forget. I suppose I should only be speaking for myself, but I doubt I'm alone here. Life gets to us and we take it out on the world. And in that one moment when the coffee stain on my shirt is so aggravating I forget to look around and see the suffering that others around me may be going through, I miss an amazing opportunity. The opportunity to brighten someones day possibly. It's a simple gift. A gift that costs nothing and can be given readily without really any effort.
My first semester in college, I was away from home and not very happy. While walking down to get my mail one day, probably hoping to find some great gift in that little bitty lock box, I passed a group of people I didn't know. One of the guys in the group looked at me and said "You dropped something." I turned to look behind me, there was nothing there. I looked back at him, confused. He then said "Your smile." I will never forget that as long as I live. And it changed my day, maybe even changed me. And he has no idea, he was just being nice. I hope that at some point in my life I give the same to someone else.
We think about ourselves all day long. What to wear, what to eat, who we would like to see today, who we would rather not see, what we want, what we need. . . how often do you look at someone else and think of what they might need? Some of us may not have much to give others, but we all have kindness. Sure there are days that the kids wake up fighting, the dog pukes, I forget I need gas on the way to work and am late... I do not feel kind at all, but the guy at the gas station who says good morning didn't make all that happen to me. In fact is very possible he walked to work with holes in his socks, has no kids or dogs to love him, and a sick mother at home that he is working to care for. I don't know. I'll never know. But I could smile instead of snarl when he speaks to me. It might make a difference. And he might be nice to the next person who's situation is even worse. . . and so on and so on.
I realize this isn't a new concept. I haven't just told you some profound new idea that could change the world! We know to be nice, we just forget. I suppose I should only be speaking for myself, but I doubt I'm alone here. Life gets to us and we take it out on the world. And in that one moment when the coffee stain on my shirt is so aggravating I forget to look around and see the suffering that others around me may be going through, I miss an amazing opportunity. The opportunity to brighten someones day possibly. It's a simple gift. A gift that costs nothing and can be given readily without really any effort.
My first semester in college, I was away from home and not very happy. While walking down to get my mail one day, probably hoping to find some great gift in that little bitty lock box, I passed a group of people I didn't know. One of the guys in the group looked at me and said "You dropped something." I turned to look behind me, there was nothing there. I looked back at him, confused. He then said "Your smile." I will never forget that as long as I live. And it changed my day, maybe even changed me. And he has no idea, he was just being nice. I hope that at some point in my life I give the same to someone else.
Friday, August 26, 2011
The comic relief
My last 2 posts have been pretty serious so I decided that I had to do something, at the very least, slightly humorous if I were going to post again. And right now I feel kind of funny, unfortunately I don't mean in the humorous sense. It seems that every time I pick myself up, brush myself off, and start to move in a positive direction outwardly, my body takes offense to it. I get this horrible pressure across my shoulders and neck and it makes me dizzy and it is hard for my eyes to focus. So my question here is- why do your body and mind like to battle as opposed to work together? What happened to "all for one and one for all" or if you need a newer more modern and very Disney version, "we're all in this together". (If you don't get this reference please Google those words + High School Musical, however be warned... once the song is in your head it will not soon depart.) I'm just saying that I do not understand why when in my head I make the choice to be happy, motivated and strong, my body doesn't take the chance to embrace it and jump for joy!! I should be doing cartwheels! Well... I couldn't do cartwheels before, but metaphorically speaking.
Unfortunately I believe that I must come to the resolve that more physical activity is the solution. Oops.. did I say that outloud? Crap. If I tell you I need to do it, that means I know I need to do it, and sort of takes away all my excuses or even smoke and mirrors that I may be possibly doing enough of it now. I'm just not. There I said it. I don't get nearly enough exercise and I need to. Damn. I said it again. I know this is true because I even read it in my 7 year old's health book. It was discussing the use of physical activity to reduce stress. 7 year olds with stress? Shouldn't they maybe be teaching them how not to cause stress in 2nd grade instead of manage it? Of course maybe if I had been taught in 2nd grade how to manage stress we wouldn't be talking about this right now. So here's to better life skills being made available to my children!
So now I have admitted yet another thing that I must do. It is time for me to make my mind and body fight it out on a hike. Or even learn to work together in a Zumba class, because for my hips and feet to do what they do without falling down it WILL take some brain and body cooperation! So feel free to hold me accountable and ask how I'm doing. Just dont judge me!! For I know there will be some failures, I mean small set backs, involved.
Unfortunately I believe that I must come to the resolve that more physical activity is the solution. Oops.. did I say that outloud? Crap. If I tell you I need to do it, that means I know I need to do it, and sort of takes away all my excuses or even smoke and mirrors that I may be possibly doing enough of it now. I'm just not. There I said it. I don't get nearly enough exercise and I need to. Damn. I said it again. I know this is true because I even read it in my 7 year old's health book. It was discussing the use of physical activity to reduce stress. 7 year olds with stress? Shouldn't they maybe be teaching them how not to cause stress in 2nd grade instead of manage it? Of course maybe if I had been taught in 2nd grade how to manage stress we wouldn't be talking about this right now. So here's to better life skills being made available to my children!
So now I have admitted yet another thing that I must do. It is time for me to make my mind and body fight it out on a hike. Or even learn to work together in a Zumba class, because for my hips and feet to do what they do without falling down it WILL take some brain and body cooperation! So feel free to hold me accountable and ask how I'm doing. Just dont judge me!! For I know there will be some failures, I mean small set backs, involved.
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