Monday, November 21, 2011

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die. So, let us all be thankful. ~ the Buddha

Thankfulness, original thought this week right? But it's meant to be the time to remind yourself so I figured I might as well join the crowd. It's been a trying year to say the least. To be honest it's been a trying few years. In early 2009 I lost my job and my dog in the same week and it seems like it was down hill from there for a while. I lost a friendship that I cherished not long after that. And over the past year I've lost my marriage. Yes, trying times.

*In 2010 approximately 1 in 7 households in America didn't have enough to eat.
*More than 16 out of every 100,000 children under the age of 18 in the US were diagnosed with cancer in the year 2005.
*There were 1.6 million homeless people in America in September 2010.

I could pull statistics from the computer all day long, but is it necessary? Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes others' lives are harder. Perspective is always necessary. So yes, I've had a few years of trying times. I've had support through them. I've been loved by my family. I've been clothed, fed, and kept warm. My children are healthy. And these are the basics. There is so much more. I've laughed. . . a lot. I've seen some beautiful sunsets. I felt an earthquake! (I realize some might not find this to be a positive, however the ability to experience nature is an amazing thing!) I've made new friends. I've watched my daughters become smarter and more beautiful daily. I've learned how to deal with adversities that I didn't know I could handle. All days have not been grand, but I have been given all those days! The quote above is simple but true, I didn't die. For this I am thankful. And for so much more. Perspective...I am very thankful for the ability to see life, not just mine but the life around me, and make sense of what is truly good and bad. I do not experience much that is bad compared to many. I will live with trying times and be thankful.

"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses."
~ Alphonse Karr

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I know, I know... it's been a while. Trust me when I tell you I get reminders, OFTEN. It's not that I haven't wanted to write. I've had ideas that fizzled, or chances that I wasted on computer hangman games. I've even just taken turns between staring at my screen saver and the clock when I could have been writing. Obviously focus is a bit of an issue. But today I was thinking that I started this blog with "How I Got Here" so I thought it might be time to address "Where I am".
I cry less often. And in realizing that "not at all" is probably unlikely I find this to be a good thing. By making myself understand that most of my torrential downpours were more from fear, anger, and being overwhelmed than sadness this was easier to take control of than I expected. So one thing down...check.
I exercise more regularly. This is not a huge distinction unfortunately. We are just going to have to call this a baby step with no real promise of giant steps at the moment. I do what I can do. I accept that in myself. I hope you do too. Can I get half a check at least?
The best thing I can say about where I am is where the girls and I are. I'm proud of our routine. We work together, well as much as you can get a 6 and 8 year old to work together. They still bicker a lot, but I am growing more patient. It feels awful to know that you take out your own life issues on your children. I know I'm not the only person that does it, but it still makes me feel bad. I'm getting better. I'm still loud, will always be loud, but I'm having to apologize to them less. I'm glad. The 3 of us are learning together how to deal with what life throws at us. And we are learning not to expect the cookie cutter lives that we expected. They really don't exist and I'm not sure that it's terrible for the girls to figure that out at such a young age. I hate it's taking divorced parents to understand it, but I think they will be better people because they do get that. So kids and I are good. Double check.
My own life is still very much in limbo. This I hate! And much of it is out of my control. Hmmmm, lack of control. THIS I HATE! But I'm learning to let it go some. I'm living in the moment more for now. I have to say for now because I do believe I will reach the point when I have to grab on and regain control, push much harder. But for now, in the limbo state, this is how I keep sanity. I guess this is a wash, no check no minus.
So now we are down to where the minus comes in. I'm still convinced most days that I can't do everything alone. To be honest, I'm doing it. Maybe even better than I did before. I keep all my plates spinning (thanks to a cousin and fellow blogger for that example) but I FEEL like they are all about to drop at any minute. I guess it boils down to not trusting myself or more so not trusting my abilities. Remember when you were a kid? You could do anything and just let someone tell you otherwise! Bulletproof, well I was anyway. And I watch people as they get older, no longer scared to speak their mind, determined not to let anyone help them. Why then, right in the middle of life, when I need that attitude the most am I the least confident? This is, at present, my fail. And it truly isn't my actions, it's only how I feel about it. I want to stand, put my hands in the air, and roar "I am She Ra (remember her?), I can do anything!" But I look at myself and I think I'm a little more Aunt Bee. . "Andy, oh my, what am I going to do? The oven is broken and I have pies to bake." Point being I let silly little things get to me, knock me down, and make me feel alone and inept. But then I do get back up and keep going. I'll keep working on She Ra - the red headed version of course - but until I get there I'll just keep going.
SO. . . a little closer to 40, still overweight, not as close to "legally" single as I would like to be, but still happy and getting better all the time.