Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I had a full blow meltdown yesterday. Actually, maybe a deflate is a better description because it started Sunday afternoon and I just slowly got lower and lower and lower. So yes... we'll go with deflate. Of course at my age my hormones seem to have taken on a life and nervous system of their own, therefore I never know if  I will take an unpleasant moment in stride and keep on moving and smiling or if I will melt down like a three year old in Baskin Robbins who's sugar cone just hit the floor. And as I think about my behavior yesterday I also have to consider the fact that at 39 years old I'm already at the early stage of menopause, I have 2 elementary age kids, and my husband left me with those kids, 2 dogs, a falling in house and moved far enough away so he's never around to help with much of anything. So I honestly believe I should get credit for not setting things (or people for that matter) on fire most days, but other people seem to think I need to try to be pleasant and think positively so here I am to write it all down and put it in perspective so I can move on. Of course I've probably alienated any male readers I might have had with all this talk of hormones and anything female. My guess is they are either completely disgusted OR shaking their heads dismissively at the idea that this can be a real reason for bad behavior. Oh well, what do men know anyway?!

Okay, enough of that. I'm really not a bitter, man hating, fire starting psychopath who wants to be left alone with her bad mood. A raging hormone some days? Well yes, I am that, but I still want to address my issues. So here we go... my girls are trying to learn to ride their bikes and with help are becoming successful. Unfortunately I can't help them. I'm not strong enough to hold them up. I do have friends that will help when they are around, but it's just taking longer than I would like and my kids aren't happy about it at all. And I feel like it's my fault... "aye there's the rub". I feel like it's all my fault. Every bit of it. I chose to get married, I chose who I married, I chose to have kids and now that my marriage hasn't worked out my kids don't have everything they need all the time and it's all my fault. I said it. I'll say it again. It's all my fault. NO, I feel like it's all my fault. I really know its not. And I also really don't want my husband back. I wasn't happier and really can't imagine that any amount of work could make us happier now. But when things go wrong and my little girls need something I feel like this stupid mess is going to ruin their lives and it's all my fault. That's how I feel. I wish I could make my heart and my brain come together and create some sense of reality between the two of them. I know that in lots of ways I've accomplished more in the last six months that I have in the last 10 years. I know that my daughters are seeing a better version of me now most days than they were before and will become better adults because of it. I know I know I know. I feel I feel I feel. Why is it that feel always wins? And truly I'm a HUGE advocate of saying how you feel and saying it out loud. I am! I think we should always say what we feel without fear. It's very hard to learn but very important to know that our feelings are just that, our feelings. They are not someone else's reaction to them.
Don't be afraid to say I love you, just because someone doesn't say it back doesn't mean you don't feel it. Giving love is actually so much more fulfilling than receiving it. Say it often and to as many people as you can. When you are a toddler you are prompted to tell everyone you love them and blow them kisses, then suddenly at a certain age it becomes tabu and there are strings attached. Love does not have strings.
When something makes you sad say it! Sometimes that's just the release you need to let the sadness out. Sadness is not depression, it isn't permanent. And the inability to constantly smile and pretend the world is your oyster does not make you negative. It makes you human.
Scream when you are angry and if you are angry with someone specific...scream at them. OK, maybe just tell them but get it out in the open. Anger festers and leaves deep scars.
So you see I'm great with the idea of expressing how you feel. It's the actually feeling it I have a really hard time with. I suppose it falls in line with everything else I written about myself in the last 8 months. I don't just feel. I feel and then I tend to spiral, especially if its feeling down. Here I am with my extremes again. And there I certainly was yesterday.

I know this has been a bit of a ramble, but I think I just needed to get it out. Luckily for me I do bounce back and generally quickly. But it seems to me that this is the one thing that does push my meltdowns farther apart. Acknowledging my craziness seems to be what keeps me sane!


  1. You are to be praised for you blog therapy! Even if you don't always feel chipper, your writing is always with humor. I think we can all identify with some of the issues that weigh heavy on your mind these days. Surround yourself with things that bring you comfort and hope. You are a very, very good person!

    1. Thank's Erin! I don't comment so often, but I love reading your blog as well and I know it has been therapy for you, especially over the last year. I have discovered so much about myself through this ordeal that I don't think I ever would have if I hadn't stopped to write things down! I'm so glad we are still connected, even if just in small ways, after all these years.