Thursday, September 15, 2011

I let myself take a major dip in spirit this week. I don't know why I allow it to happen and what's worse I think I push it. It is as if once I start the downward spiral I am not happy until I hit the bottom. Talk about your stupid compulsions!? Couldn't I just be addicted to speed or something instead? Then I'd be thin and maybe my house would be clean? Instead my eyes are just puffy, red, and a little more wrinkled. Nice.
However, I don't ever let my binges last long and I can pull myself out of them generally just as quickly as I push myself in. Self Abuser / Self Healer. I think I'll get a business card. So as I began my healing process today I actually got in some exercise, which I'm very excited about! I know it's just once but I'm saying it's a beginning. I mean really, I'm pretty good at beginnings so go with what you know right? Celebrate your successes, I say! I can DO beginnings. Middles and endings weeeelllll.... not so much. But you see, one cannot have a middle or end without a beginning so I’m still on the right track! I’ve had a couple of other positive things happen this week and I’m feeling confident. Monday I considered writing that I was a fraud and a failure and that I was done with the whole thing, but I cannot give up or give in! I will not be beaten!
So enough of the cheerleader blah blah blah. I have to admit something else and I truly want to say it out loud. I do not love being PTA, Daisy, all around involved Mom. I do it. I will continue to do it. I will smile when I do it. I do not like it. Now seriously ,I love my daughters. I love spending time with them, playing with them, laughing with them. I do not like organized. . . um organized... organized ANYTHING!! Religion, sports, children’s play groups. I don’t like them. They expect me to show up when I say I will, expect me to participate no matter what my mood, and worse, expect me to care. Who came up with this idea. It wasn’t a mother. I am as sure of that as I am sure that a woman did not design high heels. Because teaching our children hygiene, how to clean their rooms, how to load the dishwasher, helping them with their homework, cooking dinner, doing laundry, and for most of us WORKING, all that just wasn’t enough. We needed extra curricular activities and Moms to volunteer! Well I hate it! There I’ve said it. . . now I have to wrap this blog up because I have to be at the school in the morning to lead the class in Math Superstars before I go to work.
Send me motivating thoughts my way at about 5:45am. I’d love to think I could exercise two days in a row, and as the little boy in Angels in the Outfield says “It could happen.”

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