Tuesday, December 6, 2011

All I want for Christmas. . .

"Santa baby, I want a yacht and really that's not a lot."
You know the song, well at least if you listen to the radio anytime between Halloween and Christmas you do. And I hate the song, but I like the list. I mean, who wouldn't right? A diamond, some platinum, a convertible. You can have the fur, I'm not really into furs. Of course then you wake up and your Santa is NOT that guy!
Yet it raises the question, if I were going to ask Santa for my heart's desire what would that really be? Not cars and boats. No, not really. So what? If I stop to think like a responsible, kind, loving citizen of this earth then I'm supposed to ask for world peace and an end to hunger, right? And I want that, I do, but I'm thinking of me at this moment. If you find this selfish and not in the spirit of Christmas you can stop reading now, but this is a me moment.
The problem is I find it hard to make the list. Maybe because I do in fact find some things self indulgent.
I'd like to be financially comfortable enough not to worry anymore. I'd like to know that when the girls are 16 I'll be able to buy them cars. I want to take them to Disney World. So there I said it... if I could ask for WHATEVER I wanted, money would be on the list. Shoot me.
It's also difficult because some of it is so unrealistic I guess. I'd ask for more time. More time for fun things, more time for me, more time for the girls. Time for hobbies even. But then I'd have to ask for a hobby because I have NO idea how to come up with one of those. Trust me, I've tried. Which can lead to another wish. The ability to really look back at my life and figure myself out. To get to know me. Then maybe I would feel like I hadn't wasted so much time. Or if nothing else it would make stepping up and taking control of my life now a little easier. So insight into my own soul, hmmm is that too much to ask?

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth."
– Benjamin Disraeli

I'll keep my list to four, but the last one is the hardest. The last one makes me feel like I appear weak. I want to be a strong independent woman, but how can I be needy at the same time? And I am needy. I need someone to understand me, to know me. I need someone to appreciate what I have to give in the only ways that I know how. I don't think Santa can deliver that. I don't know that I would know how to accept it if he did, but I would be willing to try.
This is my "Grown up Christmas List". I'd like to say it's simpler than the song, but to be honest I think the tangible things are easier even if grandiose. I will enjoy what I do get for Christmas and even more what I am allowed to give. I will watch my girls beam with excitement and know that I couldn't really want for much more than that. But in my heart I allow myself some personal desires. I have now shared them with you. I hope it will help someone else know that it's okay to want things too and even to say them out loud. Wanting and being disappointed about not receiving are very different things.

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