Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I know, I know... it's been a while. Trust me when I tell you I get reminders, OFTEN. It's not that I haven't wanted to write. I've had ideas that fizzled, or chances that I wasted on computer hangman games. I've even just taken turns between staring at my screen saver and the clock when I could have been writing. Obviously focus is a bit of an issue. But today I was thinking that I started this blog with "How I Got Here" so I thought it might be time to address "Where I am".
I cry less often. And in realizing that "not at all" is probably unlikely I find this to be a good thing. By making myself understand that most of my torrential downpours were more from fear, anger, and being overwhelmed than sadness this was easier to take control of than I expected. So one thing down...check.
I exercise more regularly. This is not a huge distinction unfortunately. We are just going to have to call this a baby step with no real promise of giant steps at the moment. I do what I can do. I accept that in myself. I hope you do too. Can I get half a check at least?
The best thing I can say about where I am is where the girls and I are. I'm proud of our routine. We work together, well as much as you can get a 6 and 8 year old to work together. They still bicker a lot, but I am growing more patient. It feels awful to know that you take out your own life issues on your children. I know I'm not the only person that does it, but it still makes me feel bad. I'm getting better. I'm still loud, will always be loud, but I'm having to apologize to them less. I'm glad. The 3 of us are learning together how to deal with what life throws at us. And we are learning not to expect the cookie cutter lives that we expected. They really don't exist and I'm not sure that it's terrible for the girls to figure that out at such a young age. I hate it's taking divorced parents to understand it, but I think they will be better people because they do get that. So kids and I are good. Double check.
My own life is still very much in limbo. This I hate! And much of it is out of my control. Hmmmm, lack of control. THIS I HATE! But I'm learning to let it go some. I'm living in the moment more for now. I have to say for now because I do believe I will reach the point when I have to grab on and regain control, push much harder. But for now, in the limbo state, this is how I keep sanity. I guess this is a wash, no check no minus.
So now we are down to where the minus comes in. I'm still convinced most days that I can't do everything alone. To be honest, I'm doing it. Maybe even better than I did before. I keep all my plates spinning (thanks to a cousin and fellow blogger for that example) but I FEEL like they are all about to drop at any minute. I guess it boils down to not trusting myself or more so not trusting my abilities. Remember when you were a kid? You could do anything and just let someone tell you otherwise! Bulletproof, well I was anyway. And I watch people as they get older, no longer scared to speak their mind, determined not to let anyone help them. Why then, right in the middle of life, when I need that attitude the most am I the least confident? This is, at present, my fail. And it truly isn't my actions, it's only how I feel about it. I want to stand, put my hands in the air, and roar "I am She Ra (remember her?), I can do anything!" But I look at myself and I think I'm a little more Aunt Bee. . "Andy, oh my, what am I going to do? The oven is broken and I have pies to bake." Point being I let silly little things get to me, knock me down, and make me feel alone and inept. But then I do get back up and keep going. I'll keep working on She Ra - the red headed version of course - but until I get there I'll just keep going.
SO. . . a little closer to 40, still overweight, not as close to "legally" single as I would like to be, but still happy and getting better all the time.

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